


A Cold Stare, Loving Heart

by PaganWitchIsis



Category: Gravitation
Genre: Angst, Death, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Posted from fanfiction.net, Smut, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 13:23:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20390401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaganWitchIsis/pseuds/PaganWitchIsis
Summary: Mika commits suicide, How will Yuki take the news? Will Shuichi be able to help him? Will Yuki change how he treats the singer? What happens when the Uesugi brothers put two and two together, who could have pushed her that far? Yuki x Shuichi





	1. The Devil’s Grip Begs for your Breath

**Author's Note:**

> No Beta. Posted from Fanfiction.net because they are pitiful and not that great a place anymore. Please see tags for trigger warnings

Title: A Cold Stare, Loving Heart  
Category: Anime/Manga » Gravitation  
Author: eclecticwitch  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M  
Genre: Romance/Suspense  
Published: 08-08-08, Updated: 08-11-08  
Chapters: 2, Words: 8,655

Chapter 1: The Devil’s Grip Begs for your Breath

Hey guys! I thought I'd do something different from my stories so I can get over the writer's block.  
THIS IS THE PREQUEL TO "A GENTLE TOUCH"  
Let's see how it goes.  
I do not own Gravitation  
Warnings: you name it! From death to lemon/s (smut), Yuki/Shuichi - not for children…

Chapter one: The Devil's Grip Begs for your Breath  
An undeniable silence filled the room, one single person standing in the unlit statuary on top of a wooden stool.  
"Why? Why did it come to this? I left a note and called…there is nothing left. I'm sorry…I love you all."  
The figure took a step, the coarse rope that hung loosely at the neck had pulled back suddenly. The person smiled as the last bits of air escaped their lungs, as images of the past thirty years flashed before the eyes.  
The figure's hands were bound, the stool long since fallen to the side. The rope hung from the ceiling tauntingly.  
The body seized, attempting to undo what the person's free will had desired, futile.  
Blood ran down the neck and onto the person's chest, the rope opening flesh as it grind against the skin agonizingly.  
The smile remained, escaping from the world and the problems. Doing what the loved one told them to do.  
The smile remained as the last breath was snatched from the body by the noose.  
The body no longer thrashed in resistance, eyes glazed over as the color became lost, the room was still silent.  
One solitary victim hung in the middle of the night waiting for it to be discovered.  
The door opened minutes after the person's spirit had left.  
"Mika?" Yuki shouted, Shuichi behind him as the room was dark, no one could see she had been dead before their eyes.  
Yuki flipped the switch, his eyes widened. Shuichi just stood at the door frame and watched as the scene played out. Mika had hung herself, Shuichi's lover running to free the body in hopes she would cling to life again.  
She didn't stir as Eiri shook her shoulder, his eyes releasing the tears that showed his love for his sister. He may have disliked her actions at times but he still loved her. She was his only sister and had saved him before, fed him and took care of him after his mother had passed away.  
Yuki knew she was gone, he continued to shake her, he needed to see her eyes open.  
Tatsuha had joined the room minutes after Eiri, both receiving the same cryptic message. The Uesugi brothers were hurt, their sister snatched from them. Shuichi did feel some pain that the woman had committed suicide but he knew Yuki needed his space, his eyes scanned the room. He couldn't look at the body or his lover desperately trying to bring her back from the dead.  
It was then that Shuichi saw the note that she had left.  
Walking slowly to the desk just a few feet from the body, Shuichi picked up the single piece of loose leaf.  
Shuichi read silently as the only sounds in the room were of sobs and yelling for her to return to them once more.  
'I'm sorry, I know I could be a bitch but I tried my hardest. I had to always do what father wanted, the perfect child and I didn't want Eiri or Tatsuha to go through what I had. My husband is the asshole, he was so different when I met him.  
I miss the times I had with you a Eiri, I miss seeing that smile you had. I was so happy that you found someone to bring it back. Please, be happy what ever you do and where ever you go.  
Tatsuha, follow your dreams. I know you were afraid of asking Ryuichi to be with you because of dad, just do what you want.  
I should have followed my dreams. I should have told you two how much I love you.  
I really am proud of you Eiri, you are famous, independent and even though you changed so much since New York, you came back to me. Shuichi, thank you for that.  
Tatsuha, you're intelligent, don't follow dad's dreams, do what you want.  
Don't mourn me, please. I love you both and it was my decision to do this. It is not your fault, any of you.  
I love you all and will be watching so be on your best behavior!  
Mika Uesugi  
P.S. - Don't kill anyone Eiri, I don't want to see you loose what we have been dying to see for eight years.'  
Shuichi looked up, Yuki seemed to have stopped crying, realization of what had happened hitting him. He looked furious, Tatsuha just sat burying his head between his legs, his hands over his head.  
"Shuichi, call the police." Yuki surprised him but complied none the less. Shuichi thought his lover forgot he was there and kind of preferred it, he didn't want the man's wrath even in his time of grieving.  
"They'll be here in a couple minutes. Yuki, before they get here there is something you both need to see."  
Yuki turned his head a bit, his eyes meeting the boy's who was afraid of going near the usually grumpy writer. Shuichi walked to the writer cautiously and handed him the note, despite his appearance, Yuki had not acted out on him. His eyes still held the tenderness it always had for him.  
Yuki read it out loud so his brother could hear, his face displaying his many emotions as he went on. Anger, fear, hatred, guilt, happiness, regret, the memories flooding back to him.  
"Don't mourn her? How can we not! She is our sister! God damn it!" Tatsuha exclaimed as he thrust his elbow into the wall behind him. Anger. One of the many steps, anger, denial, realization, guilt and in the end the sadness would get to them both.  
Shuichi just stood rooted to the spot he was in, he didn't know what to do. He kept quite until the police arrived who had began to ask questions.  
"Let's start from the beginning." the officer had asked.  
Yuki thought back to what had happened, how things had gone so wrong.  
Two weeks earlier.  
"Yuki!" Shuichi had been calling out to his lover for some time now, who was by the way locked in his study finishing his last book. He was planning a short vacation for some time. The stress of deadlines and the regular drama in his house had been making his ulcers do back flips. His response? Instead of getting rid of the only difference in his life since his health had worsened, he opted out for a vacation. Shuichi was annoying yes but even though his energy and nature were unfamiliar to the man, he needed the singer. They had been going out for two and a half years now and even though Shuichi had been his boyfriend for such a long time, he had yet to tell him straight out that he loved him.  
"God, your voice is annoying! What do you want?" Yuki asked as he opened the door to shut the boy up. He was almost done with his novel, he had a chapter left and yet his lover could not understand the simple concept.  
"Did you eat yet? Also, you forgot your medication." The boy was sitting outside the door, staring up at the novelist with his large purple eyes. Yuki did forget to eat but that was because he had found his inspiration, the words were flowing in his story and he had everything in his head just waiting to be written. Of course he wouldn't stop during that time, he had to get it out before it disappeared like a dream, just to vanish before his eyes.  
Yuki turned around and went back to work, not even bothering to shut the door or lock it. The younger man walked in and draped his arms around his neck. "Please take care of yourself."  
"You can't force me"  
"Yes I can." Yuki clicked on the save button on his laptop and shut the lid. He turned around and cocked an eyebrow at his boyfriend.  
"How?"  
Shuichi sat on his lap and leaned backwards. The boy had a tight shirt that revealed the stomach and a pair of short shorts. Since he moved in with Eiri, he had only worn such promiscuous clothes around his lover. Yuki would never allow him to leave without being covered. Yes, he was strict but Shuichi knew it was because he loved him. He knew Yuki was afraid of anyone looking at his property. His…Yuki had used that word a lot. He was frequently saying things that referred Shuichi to property for the man. Shuichi was unsure if it was because Yuki had a problem concerning emotions that it had to be associated with possessions but Shuichi was glad he was Yuki's possession. The song writer knew that was the closest he'd get to the man saying he loved him.  
Shuichi ran his hand up his shirt and showed the man a pink, perked nipple and ran his own tongue over it. His other hand had gone south and caressed the blonde's appendage which had begun to react to what Shuichi was doing.  
"You can't have this if you don't take care of yourself." Shuichi then proceeded to pull the man's pants and boxers down a bit as he still straddled him and freed his stiffening member. Shuichi ran his hand slowly up his shaft as Shuichi had used his other hand to dispose of his shirt.  
"I don't want any." Yuki responded, he would never back down even if he had been withheld sex for three weeks. His deadline was coming soon so he had to work faster than normal, he secluded himself in his study for long periods of time only to leave to get a cup of coffee or a small bite to eat so his stomach would stop bothering him.  
"Is that true?" Shuichi moved from his lap and Eiri felt familiar coldness return to him. His member was still out and at attention when he was about to grab the boy's arm, only to see the boy drop to his knees before him and engulf his penis into his hot, moist mouth.  
"Ahh!" Yuki let a louder than usual moan escape his lips, Shuichi pulled back and looked at him. "Don't want any? We'll, if you decide you do, go eat what I put out and take your medication. When you do that, I'll be waiting." Shuichi left before he could say a word.  
"Damn cock tease." with that, Yuki stood up and put his clothes back to its original placement. He walked to the kitchen to get his food and take his pills. "The kid's going to pay."


	2. Suspicions

Chapter two: Suspicions  
Shuichi was late, which wasn't that very different from his usual routine but what seemed off was that their president had been spacing out recently, he even was outside the building when Shindou had arrived twenty minutes late.  
"I'm sorry, I over slept." Shuichi muttered out bowing in admiration. The man before him acted as if nothing had happened. Shuichi looked up confused and stared at the man who had not moved, nothing leaving his mouth but the silent breath that vas visible in the cold air that November morning.  
"Mr. president?"  
His eyes lowered slightly and looked at the boy, he had yet to say a word and regained his earlier composure. Shuichi moved slowly to the side of the man and ran inside the building. The usual manipulative blonde was not smiling, or showing any emotion for that matter. Shuichi was freaked out and apparently his discomfort was noticeable as he entered his studio where he was glared at by an American and his band mates…ok, mate. Hiro was used to his antics as he sat where he was and tuned his guitar.  
"What's wrong Shuichi? You seem freaked? Don't tell me Yuki.."  
"No." Shuichi cut Hiro off and continued. "It was Tohma. He was weird."  
"when isn't he." Suguru commented momentarily looking up from his keyboard.  
The thought irked him all day as he went to business composing another song for their new album debuting in the spring. Shuichi felt like something was off but he just couldn't place his finger on it, something just didn't seem right.  
It was six when the young man arrived home.  
"Yuki?" Shuichi called out as he looked around the room, the door to his office was open which meant that he was not in it. Where else could he be?  
"Shu, I'm in here."  
Shuichi breathed a sigh of relief knowing his beloved was in the kitchen. Ever since Yuki had left him two and a half years ago, he was afraid of returning to an empty apartment, the thoughts that Shuichi was a second from finding Yuki in New York after committing suicide turned his stomach. Yuki had every intention to shoot himself in the very room he murdered in his past. Sometimes it made Shuichi wonder why he put up with the stoic man. He never told him his love for him, he rarely gave him the smile he wanted to see. The only time he was gentle was when they were having sex, Shuichi couldn't call it "making love" because Yuki felt it was too cliché. He also refused anything concerning love. Shuichi wondered how long he could last in the relationship if nothing would escalate between them two. Shuichi needed reassurance. Which was why he had sex with the man so often, he needed to feel those soft touches, the deep kisses, he wanted to be treated like he was worth something. He just wanted something soft to hold on to when his boyfriend had always been cruel.  
He wanted love.  
"You just going to stand their all day or are you going to eat?" Without his knowledge, Yuki had walked up on the singer who was deep in thought. The man had picked up the pink haired vocalist and whisked him away to the kitchen., dropping him roughly on the cold tile floor.  
"Bastard." Shuichi commented as he rubbed his sore backside. He looked up to find food on the table and decided to eat his food before continuing conversation with the man. After all his boyfriend was a great cook and a potential argument could lead to the boy sitting on the porch or walking to Hiro's house on an empty stomach. They ate in silence, Shuichi was agitated with his boyfriend. Of course he loved him, he was infatuated with him but the man's attitude had been progressively been getting worse instead of better.  
They fought more, had sex less often, the only time they saw each other was when Shuichi went out of the way to apologize for nothing or to taunt the man because sexual deprivation was becoming too much. Before there little spree the day before, They were abstinent for four months. Shuichi wanted sex so badly he started looking at people as sexual objects, of course it was worse when he was with his best friend. Hiro and himself had fooled around in high school and knowing certain information about the guitarist almost made the boy attempt to fuck his friend. Of course the farthest they got was oral however Shuichi could care less at that point.  
Shuichi felt bad about his thoughts and had to do something, so he taunted the man.  
Shuichi was afraid that his boyfriend was having sex with another, how else could the man who needed sex daily go without for more than a week let alone four months. Shuichi though felt like his Yuki wouldn't do that, it wasn't blind denial, it was an intuition. It also helped when his boyfriend rarely left his office. Yuki had finished two books in the time it took him to write one and that alone made Shuichi wonder what was going on. To add to the confusion, Yuki hadn't told his editor about the other book or handed it in, he never mentioned it to Shuichi either if Shuichi hadn't been prying.  
"What's wrong with you? If it is going to be a problem, better to leave now. I have deadlines."  
Yuki spoke up and startled the man. Shuichi couldn't explain why but he felt angry, he felt a form of dislike he wasn't so used to. Was he starting to hate the writer?  
"Fuck you!"  
"Excuse me?" Yuki's gaze became a stare of intensity as Shuichi stood from his place knocking the chair to the ground.  
"You heard me. Fuck you. You always have deadlines and all you do is yell at me. What the fuck is wrong? We rarely fuck, you barely see me and all you do is bitch. I didn't say a fucking thing and you have a problem with…"  
Yuki stood up and threw his plate at the boy, the glass shattering on the wall behind the man as the plate zoomed passed his face. Eiri looked pissed and shocked, an odd combination.  
"What gives you the right to…"  
"Everything!" Shuichi shouted and stood his ground. "I…I can't take all this Yuki. I'm sorry I'm not Kitazawa, I'm sorry you hate me because I am annoying. I am god damn tired of apologizing, I just…."  
Yuki had moved in front of the boy and pinned him between himself and the wall behind him. Yuki moved his right arm and grabbed the material his boyfriend was wearing and held him up so his legs could no longer touch the ground, his back against the wall. Some glass still embedded in the wall scraped against his flesh through his shirt and burned as it seared his skin. Shuichi gasped, Yuki looked furious.  
" Why the fuck would I live with you if I hated you? Two fucking years, no, two and a half god damn years with you doesn't mean anything?"  
Shuichi kept his focus even though he was terrified of the man.  
"Every time you're scared you try to strong arm someone. Not going to happen hun. I love you but I am afraid I am starting to hate you. "  
The last five words had struck a nerve deep with in the writer. His hand grasped the material harder than it had and brought his other arm to the side, he braced it on the wall and leaned towards the man.  
"Hate me? Are you leaving me?"  
Shuichi cast his eyes down and let his arms drop to the sides.  
"I don't know. I love you but…I can't just keep going on with you if this is all I am going to get. All you do is find a problem and I am sick of it. I keep looking for you to return your feelings but I get cold stares. I need someone to love me back Yuki. I love you and will always love you but…I don't know."  
Yuki's face paled and he looked at his hands. His own fingers clasped the man's shirt and Yuki felt disgusted at himself. Somehow he had pushed the man away from him when he cared for him. Of course Yuki couldn't make it out that it was love but he knew one thing.  
He could not live without Shuichi.  
Yuki lowered him to the ground and turned away from the man before speaking.  
"I'm…I need to be by myself. I'm...I.…I'm sorry. I need to think. Please. Don't make a decision yet. Let's work this out, we always have before. Is Hiro able to have you tonight? Do you need a ride anywhere?"  
Shuichi was in shock. Had the man who scowled at the world just apologized to him, and even was concerned of his whereabouts that night?  
"Yuki." Shuichi walked towards him and placed a hand on his back, he jumped under the soft touch. "Turn around."  
Slowly, Yuki turned to face him, his eyes red from crying yet he refused to let a tear fall in front of the man he was struggling to save. He needed him.  
Shuichi stood on the tips of his feet and wrapped his arms around Yuki's neck, his lips resting and Yuki's. Yuki shared the kiss with him, basking in the taste of the man. Shuichi's tongue asked for an entrance, it grazed the lower lip of his lover's mouth. Yuki obliged and shared a deep throated moment. Both intertwined, eyes closed, time had halted for that moment and Yuki loved to share such moments with him. He never wanted to give that up.  
Shuichi pulled back slowly and stared him in the eye before speaking.  
"Hiro is home and I'll be fine going over there. Don't worry to much, I wont make a decision yet. We need to talk, something we haven't done in a long time." Shuichi left to go pack only to yell out before leaving.  
"I Love you." and left the apartment empty.  
Shuichi made his way safely to Hiro's house and after a brief explanation, he stayed the night. Shuichi didn't sleep much that night, he only thought about his boyfriend and what was becoming of them. Little did he know, that was what Yuki had been doing at that moment as well.  
Yuki, the famous writer and sex god for all women in Japan .  
How he reminded himself of that front. A sex god for woman who is sleeping with a man. A writer who didn't understand emotions, who couldn't put into words how precious his lover was to him.  
Eiri was scared. Of course he didn't realize how aggressive he was when he conflicted with Shuichi after dinner but felt degusted that he could act out with little to no control over himself. He could have hurt him or worse and would not have realized his actions until it was too late.  
Yuki hide from his emotions, he was uncertain and they became unfamiliar to him. How could he show love when he wasn't too sure of the concept.  
Yuki knew one thing at that point. He had to change, even if it wasn't a huge difference, he needed to show he was trying to do something different for Shuichi, his Shuichi. He only hoped that the man would be his for a long time to come.  
Yuki just lie in his bed and stared at the clock, and the picture beside it. It was three in the morning, he was wide awake and found himself staring at a picture they had taken just a year ago during their anniversary. Shuichi looked so happy, All Eiri had to do was give him a little time together and put the laptop down, Shuichi was ecstatic. They went to America, Florida to be exact. The picture was during the beach trip on their second day and the kid had somehow coaxed him into taking the picture with him. Yuki could see the faint hickey mark on his neck, reminding him of the fun they had. They both looked very happy.  
What had went wrong?  
Yuki sat up and walked to his office, there was only one drawer Shuichi couldn't get into. It was locked and it held items he never wanted the kid to find. Inside was one item in particular as Yuki sat in his chair, opened the drawer and removed a small box. He opened it to find the ring he had hidden from him for the past three months. How much longer was he going to wait to give him it? Would the boy accept?  
They had met roadblocks before but it had been getting worse and Yuki was aware of it. They rarely saw each other and shared a bed as often as he jerked off before the slow separation. Very scarce, at least it was before they began having the problem. Now his hand had become his best friend as he found himself frequently shooting his load to the thoughts of his lover, even if the kid was in his house and could be easily ravished. For some reason, he just felt like detaching himself.  
"Shuichi…I love you don't I?" Yuki asked himself as he stared at the ring before him. It was an engagement ring and he knew he would only care for the man, his feelings and world had begun to revolve around the music addict. Yuki put the ring back into the drawer and locked it, then proceeded to walk back to his bedroom. His left hand gently playing around with his member. He had been sexually wanting for sometime even after the night the boy had convinced him to share the bed with him. Yuki drew back the covers and sat in his king sized bed, his left hand now working his semi-hard member.  
"Shuichi…"  
The next morning Hiro took his best friend back to his lover's house. It had been the weekend so they had the day off and Shuichi decided he wanted to go home, much to Hiro's protest.  
Shuichi opened the door and called out as usual. His lover sat on the couch, a cigarette dangling from his mouth.  
"Hey…" Yuki didn't know what to say, should he apologize? Confess his love even if he was still uncertain of it himself? Hug the man? What if's streamed through his head.  
"Yuki?" Shuichi inquired as he closed the door and kicked off his shoes to greet the man.  
"yes?" Shuichi saw the fear in his eyes, it bothered him to see his in control lover the way he was. He wasn't sure why, it just got under his skin.  
Shuichi walked to him and sat down next to him, his right hand drifting to Yuki's left thigh. Yuki knew where that slight gesture would go to and decided against it. He needed to talk to him, he had to change things.  
"Yuki. I'm tired of apologizing for everything. You're always blaming things on me and You yell at everything. I'm too quiet, I am yelled at cause I MUST be up to something. I am loud, you throw me to the couch. Why are you angry?"  
Yuki leaned forward and put his head in his hands. Shuichi's brought the hand he had on his thigh to the man's back and rubbed it reassuringly.  
"I don't know Shu. I am always angry. I…I'm angry at myself and I take it out on you. I'm sorry." Yuki gripped his hair in his hands and curled further into himself. Shuichi wanted to stop and hold him but he would get no where. He had to talk to him.  
"I'll change, I'll try to change…what do you want?" Yuki pleaded, he always tried whatever he could to make the boy happy. He wrote song lyrics, he ran after him to America, he lived with him and did everything he knew to try to make him happy. He felt like he always failed.  
"I want you." Yuk considered the double meaning but remained where he was, confused.  
"I just want you to start trying to be nicer. Yes I want you to love me but I can't force you to care about me. I just got to hope you can one of these days, even if I am just some convenient fuck for you."  
"You aren't. You never were."  
"What?" Yuki sat up and leaned against the couch, Shuichi laid his head on his shoulder.  
"You were never just a fuck toy. In the beginning I was confused. Now? I have feelings for you. I don't know what to call them but I care about you." Yuki was wondering if he had sounded right, if Shuichi would believe him. Damn the what if's…  
Shuichi brought his hand up to his cheek and pressed his lips against the writers. "I love you Yuki."  
"I know." Yuki pushed the boy back and took his lips once again, his hands running up his shirt.  
"Yuki?" Shuichi questioned, Yuki stopped to look up at the man.  
"I want you to fuck me. Please." Yuki smiled and was happy to comply. He removed Shuichi's shirt in time for the phone to ring.  
"Kuso." Yuki cussed in his native tongue and ignored the ringing. His answering machine went off as Yuki heard the familiarity of his sister's voice. Shuichi sat up and threw his shirt on, because the voice on the phone was not the usual pushy Mika he knew. She was scared, begging for him to come get her. Yuki picked up the phone a little too late.  
Yuki ran to get his Shoes on, Shuichi a step a head of him as Shuichi had already retrieved his keys. Soon enough they arrived at the apartment…  
That was where they were now talking to a law enforcement official and barely recollecting his thoughts. It was like someone threw him off a building. Yuki just sat there as he told them the information they needed to know.  
Something didn't seem right, why did she kill herself? She wasn't the sort to go out without a fight.  
He felt a hand on his shoulder as tears still flowed from his eyes. He flinched and was about to swing out, he was angry, the what if's still in his head.  
It was Shuichi who had touched him. When Yuki had seen his face, he relaxed and wept on his shoulder. Yuki was torn inside. He'd rather kill Kitazawa a couple times than lose his sister. Kitazawa was a one time thing, there wasn't a whole lot of guilt but with Mika. He could have done something! He could have told her how important she was, he could have picked up the phone. He could have…  
Yuki wasn't sure when he cried himself to sleep but when he woke up, he was in his bed in his house.  
'was it a dream?' He thought to himself.  
He unwrapped himself from the concerned singer and walked outside, the answering machine flashing. He knew it wasn't a dream, his brother was curled in a corner in the room. Ryuichi had heard and was on his way for his koi but he wouldn't arrive for a couple more hours. Yuki stood at the door to his bedroom and looked back. Shuichi had been there for him the entire night.  
Yuki only wondered how he got there. Tatsuha was distraught, there was no way Shuichi had the strength to move him….or did he.  
Yuki looked at his brother. He was sitting in the corner, his legs brought up and his head resting on his knees. He cried himself to sleep as well. Yuki walked over and picked up his younger brother and took him to the guest room. He put him on the bed and closed the door behind him to go sit on his leather couch.  
Yuki would not cry anymore, the time for that was over. Yuki felt guilt, overwhelming guilt.  
There was so much left unsaid, so much he never got a chance to tell her because of his cold hearted nature. His sister died and he could not tell her he loved her while she was living. Eiri just couldn't understand why she had done it. Why call and beg for help then be dead before they got there? Was this how it would always be? Would his loved ones leave or die before his eyes and he would feel the same guilt?  
"Yuki?" Shuichi had called out as he leaned on the door for support. His right hand brought up to rub his eyes. Yuki didn't register his voice at first, it wasn't until the singer got closer to him that he knew his boyfriend had woken up.  
Shuichi sat on the couch next to his lover and draped his arms around the taller man who leaned into him. Yuki needed Shuichi's support, he needed something stable. Yuki brought his hand's up and held the singer's arms and buried his head in Shuichi's shoulder once again.  
"I should have picked up the phone. I should have told her I cared about her. God damn it! I keep pushing people away and now she isn't here. She's gone and I can't tell her. I'm…I…I am confused."  
Shuichi was a bit shocked by the confession but reassured him.  
"She knew Yuki, she knew."  
"How!" Yuki lifted his head and now placed it in the crook of Shuichi's neck.  
"People who are close to you just know Yuki. We know you aren't that comfortable with emotions but we just know. Remember her…note. She knew Yuki. She was happy with you."  
Yuki didn't want to think about the note, the authorities had taken that as evidence of course but the words still burned in his memory. Did she know?  
Yuki just intertwined himself with Shuichi and for once, showed a reversal in character. He was clinging, he didn't want to be left alone.  
He became dependant of Shuichi.  
Two weeks had passed and they had attended Mika's funeral, Yuki had to be pulled away by his lover. Yuki just felt like he was betraying her, like he was leaving her for good.  
He cried at her funeral, he cried at night. He had nightmares. Someone's death wouldn't normally affect anyone that much however he was still dealing with past issues when this had been thrown at him and his brother.  
He hadn't seen his brother since the funeral, Ryuichi seemed to be holding him together pretty well. Tatsuha even smiled faintly.  
Yuki was forced to return to his profession by the end of the third week, his editors were getting on his case. Of course he had a second book done but he didn't want that one released to the public. The contents of the book were unknown to anyone but himself, even Shuichi whom he knew found the document for the new title but he was sure the kid did not read it or else Yuki would have been attacked. Yes, attacked, there was a reason the book never saw the light of day.  
So here he was writing a new chapter for the new story of another tragedy. He just couldn't do it. He couldn't kill his characters off. When he tried, the images of his sister's body dangling from the ceiling had flashed before his eyes. He couldn't make this book another masterpiece of death and manipulation.  
Yuki set to work on a new title, this one with a happy ending.  
The silence was irritating, he was used to constant noise with his lover around but he was off filming a video, he wouldn't be home for a couple hours. The song was unfamiliar to him as he put the radio on, he knew he heard it before but decided to continue working.  
'Memories consume  
Like opening the wound  
I'm picking me apart again  
You all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
Unless I try to start again'  
He felt a drawing to the song as his typing slowed. The song was his. He knew it somehow, was this why Shuichi was infatuated with music? The words, the lyrics…he was mesmerized. He even knew the words but he was unsure of how. He began singing along.  
'I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused'  
'I am confused' Yuki thought as he sat back on his chair.  
'I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I know it's not alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight  
Clutching my cure  
I tightly lock the door  
I try to catch my breath again  
I hurt much more  
Than anytime before  
I had no options left again'  
'I'm not going to hurt anyone else I love. God damn it! I won't lose them too.' Yuki's mind was dwelling to all the moments he pushed people away, all the times he messed with people's heads. How he had hurt his lover. His brother and father, everyone.  
'I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So, I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight  
I'll paint it on the walls  
'Cause I'm the one at fault  
I'll never fight again  
And this is how it ends'  
'I can. I can change damn it. Shuichi and the others have sacrificed so much. I need them. I can love, I will. I won't lose them!' Yuki brought his hand to his face and covered his eyes, listening to the ending of the song, determined to have a happy ending. He was going to try at least.  
'I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
But now I have some clarity  
to show you what I mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So, I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
Tonight'  
Eiri felt determination. He was going to break his habit. He had to or else he would lose the ones he already had. That he would not allow.  
"Yuki" The rock singer had called out as Yuki just sat in his chair the way he had for the past two hours. He was deep in thought, his word processor blank, the blinking line ushering him to fill the void.  
"Here."  
Shuichi thought he had lost it in the beginning, he was afraid. His Yuki never acted this way, he seemed distant like the president of NG had been that day.  
"Come here Shuichi." His voice was gentle, soft even. So why did it scare the hell out of the singer?  
Shuichi did as he was asked and went to the man who pulled him to his lap, he rested his head on Shuichi's shoulder and began to speak.  
"I'm sorry Shu."  
"for what?" Shuichi couldn't lie that he was a bit freaked. Yuki had been acting different ever since that night. Shuichi knew he would, the lose of one he loves would do that. What freaked him out was the way Yuki reacted to Shuichi. He became a bit clingy, he wouldn't sleep without Shuichi next to him ( of course Shuichi couldn't complain to that. He previously used to sleep on the couch.) He even went out of his way multiple times to make the boy smile.  
"I hurt you, yelled at you and treated you like crap. It took me while but." Yuki didn't know if he could do it, he had to. He had to try!  
Shuichi straddled the man and kissed his forehead. Yuki looked him in the eye and said the words Shuichi had longed to hear.  
"I love you Shuichi."  
Everything froze for the singer. He just looked at the writer and held his breath.  
The awkward silence was too much for the blonde so he decided to bring him back from whatever thoughts were going through his mind. Yuki was expecting to get attacked by the boy but wasn't expecting a jaw drop and unyielding stare. Yuki brought his lips to Shuichi's and jolted him from his thoughts. It took a second but Shuichi embraced the novelist, his mouth opening to let the skilled man have his way.  
Yuki pulled back and kissed Shuichi's collarbone earning a deep moan from the man.  
"I love you Shu, I'll always love you."  
Shuichi smiled, tears freely falling. He waited two and a half years to hear those words. Yuki's mouth had latched on to a perked nipple when the doorbell rang out.  
Shuichi groaned but got up. Yuki's thoughts went right to the day his sister had called and decided to answer the door as soon as he could. Yuki walked to the door, his lover adjusting his shirt behind him and opened it to see someone he didn't feel like seeing that day.  
"Hello!" Came the voice of a upbeat Nittle Grasper. Tohma Seguchi was standing at their door, happy and content for someone whose wife had committed suicide.  
Yuki turned around , even if he denied him entering the house he'd force himself in anyways.  
'I really need to move' Yuki thought as he grabbed Shuichi's wrist gently and sat on the couch, Shuichi following suit.  
"So what is it you want?" Of course Yuki planned on being nicer but to the man before him who name was mentioned in his sisters suicide note in a hateful manner, he had no compassion for. Shuichi shifted uncomfortably, he was always intimidated by the man. Shuichi remembered when he saw the man last was when he was freaked out by his nature. Something seemed off.  
Yuki shifted the boy to his lap and rested his head on the man's shoulder. Tohma was not pleased by the slight action, his face showing a slight dislike for the younger man. He was their star singer however personally, Tohma was not happy that the man he had longed for was attracted to the pink haired idiot.  
"I just wanted to see how you were doing is all. After your sister's death and all."  
"She was your wife!" Yuki spat out, his arms wrapping around the singer that sat on him, his head no longer resting. Shuichi was a bit uncomfortable, he wasn't even sure if he should be present for the argument, it wasn't entirely his business.  
"well…how are you taking it?" Tohma decided to avoid any inquiries to Mika as possible concerning himself. Shuichi quirked an eyebrow, what was going on?  
"Better than how I was. Shouldn't you be worried about yourself? You were married to her. You have a daughter with her. What is happening to her?"  
"She's being taken care of. I am fine Eiri, no need to worry about me. I was worried that you wouldn't be able to take the death and deal with another person living with you. The kid can be a handful."  
"Kid? Deal? Handful? You have no right to judge for me Seguchi, You also have no right belittling my lover." Eiri shot him a piercing gaze, Shuichi just looked up at his lover admiring his protective nature. Eiri had defended him.  
"No right? You can easily go back to that hospital, under less circumstances you got hurt and I will not stand for you getting hurt over him."  
"Seguchi leave. Leave now before I do something I will regret."  
"But Eiri…"  
"no, leave now. Shuichi will not be at work for a couple days, just to forewarn you. Now get out of here."  
Tohma turned to leave and walked out the door, slamming the door in the process.  
Shuichi dared not to say a word as he sat on his lover's lap. Yuki had moved his hand to get a pack of cigarettes out and leaned against Shuichi's back, his head buried in the back of Shuichi's neck. Yuki looked at the box of cancer sticks and threw them to the side. Shuichi was shocked at the display.  
Yuki moved his lover so his back was against the couch, his own body towering over his own.  
"It's about time I quit don't you think?" Yuki kissed the man before he could say a word, in shock the vocalist left his mouth open to be devoured. Shuichi brought his hands up and placed them around the writer's neck. Shuichi leaned in and hungrily returned the kiss, Yuki's hands unbuttoning his shirt.  
Shuichi trusts his hips against the man's, a low growl escaping his lips.  
"You're really horny today." Yuki said , his right hand gently messaging the bulge in Shuichi's pants.  
"Ahh…Yuki!" Shuichi was panting, his breathing irregular. He had his eyes closed, his face contorted in pleasure. Yuki smiled, he loved seeing his lover wither in pleasure, he was happy when Yuki would touch him so.  
Yuki leaned down and attacked Shuichi's right nipple, the boy begging for the material on his body to free itself.  
Yuki threw his shirt off, Shuichi unzipping his black pants to free himself.  
Yuki chuckled when Shuichi almost fell off the couch trying to remove his clothes. He had to help him from the attire.  
Yuki knew it wouldn't end up well if they continued their escapade on the couch, it never did. Yuki, only clad in boxers picked up his naked counter part and dragged him off to the room, the boy sucking on his cool flesh all the while.  
Yuki had to drop him on the soft mattress, his lust becoming insatiable.  
Shuichi reached up and yanked the tented boxers done to the floor. Yuki kicked them free and took his position above the man, gently sucking and toying with each other.  
"Yuki, don't play with me, just fuck me already."  
"You sure Shu?" Yuki's hot breath over the throbbing erection, pre-cum drawn to the surface. Shuichi looked down to see the man he loved dear take his most intimate section in his mouth, devoting his time and energy to making him feel good.  
"So hot and…ahh!" Shuichi intertwined his finger's in the blonde hair bobbing up and down on his shaft. Yuki's tongue was doing wonders to the man gripping the sheets whose moans made the man grow harder as it stood fully aroused.  
Shuichi came in Yuki's mouth, Shuichi's head thrown back and his eyes closed. His voice making the sweetest moan in pleasure as Yuki sucked him dry.  
Yuki grabbed the lubrication on the dresser and prepped the man before him, he was heavy lidded, his member becoming erect again at the sight of his aroused lover who was gently hitting his prostate.  
"Like that?" Yuki stroked him harder, he knew that spot well and loved making the man squeal.  
"Yuki! Please, I want your huge cock inside me already. I want you in me."  
Yuki smiled and placed the head of his member at Shuichi's opening. He leaned down and whispered in his ear before sheathing himself inside the younger man.  
"You know exactly how to talk dirty to get me hard don't you?"  
Shuichi cried out when the man had his full length inside him. He expected it to hurt, he also knew what would happen shortly. Shuichi began moving to probe the man to move inside him, The blonde was happy to do as he was asked.  
He started out slowly, purposely missing the target to excite the man and drive him wild. It wasn't long before he was being threatened to speed up.  
"God damn it Eiri!" Shuichi moved to the side, forcing Yuki to be flipped on his back as he lost the control he had. Shuichi was on top, thrusting himself on Yuki's extension. Yuki let a loud moan escape his lips, Shuichi smiling from the noise his lover was making. Shuichi took the matters into his own hands and thrust himself deep and hard on the man.  
"Oh god! So hot and tight!" Yuki was soon reduced to uttering simple demands as Shuichi sped up, the sound of slapping skin and grunts of pleasure, heat and sweat. It felt great for them both.  
Yuki brought his hand up and began pumping Shuichi's penis that had been neglected during their session. This act alone made the man go over the edge, two forces of pleasure at the same time was too much to take.  
Yuki followed soon after, he could never last long with Shuichi. His inner walls would close in on him and he couldn't resist. That was why Yuki made him build his stamina up from when he took his virginity those years ago.  
Shuichi slumped forward, he was exhausted. He didn't care he was laying in his own body fluids, he was laying on the man who had confessed his love for him.  
"I love you Shuichi."  
"I love you too Yuki. There is something bothering me though."  
Yuki moved up a little and let Shuichi rest on his chest. His flaccid member still inside the man.  
"what is that?"  
"Tohma. He seems…I don't know."  
Yuki looked down at him and kissed him tenderly. "I know what you are trying to say. He has been acting weird right? I don't know if it is because of what happened or not but he doesn't seem like himself."  
"Think he has anything to hide?" Shuichi was only joking of course as he began toying with Yuki's nipple. The usually stoic man however looked down at him with seriousness and replied.  
"I do. I certainly do."


End file.
